Through
my experience, age does
matter in relationships. Age
is the vehicle by which we experience common milestones in life. These
milestones give us the ability to relate to one another -- experiencing
a first kiss, first partner, marriage, home, career, child, divorce,
etc. If you're at the end of this list, what on Earth could you have in
common with someone near the beginning? There is a reason that most
couples today do not have a significant age difference. Consider that
over the last 100 years, the average age difference between married
couples is 3.5 years. Coincidence? No. Call it what it is -- a
trend.
When my divorce was final, I
went out of my way to date women of
different ages ranging anywhere from 22 to 53 years old. I found that
with younger women, I felt attracted but bored. With older women it was
just the opposite -- I was interested but did not feel attracted to
them. With each woman I dated, things ended as quickly as they began.
Their age should have been a warning to me that we may have nothing in
common.
This experience taught me two
things. The first is that age is not just a number. It is a fairly
accurate measurement that describes where you have been and what is
left in front of you. It tells you what you may have in common with
someone. The second is to know what you are attracted to, understand
what you want in a partner and a relationship, and confirm that these
things are in agreement before you choose to spend time with someone.
Now I stay away from age extremes, and in those rare moments when I
meet someone extremely younger or older who I'm into, I look for common
interests before committing to a date. This works for me because I
recognize that age matters. It is simply naive to think
otherwise.
I'll
be honest here -- I like them older. Save for my first boyfriend, who was
just two years older than me, the men I've dated and clicked with have
generally been anywhere from six to 20 years my senior. Now, a 20-year
age difference may not be the norm or "average," but I hardly think
it's a strong predictor for the success of a relationship. After all,
nearly half of those couples with the "ideal" age difference between
them get divorced. It amuses me how shocked people continue to be about
an age discrepancy.
Age itself isn't
a factor in compatibility. It's elements like maturity and life
experience, which tend to correlate with age, that can make or break a
relationship's long-term potential. But so can future goals,
background, culture, family, career, personality, and physical
chemistry. I think that the combination of those factors (maturity and
life experience included) takes precedence over whether or not your
significant other gets your clever "Beverly Hillbillies" reference. And
while we're at it, can we retire lingo like "cougar" and
"cradle-robber." It condescends to both parties and is on par with
sticking a cutesy label on someone who dates outside their own race or
background.
Date and let date. Unless
you're currently involved in a triad relationship with the May-December
couple you're commenting on, leave it to them to form opinions on how
their age gap works for them. Age and maturity often go hand in hand,
but you can certainly have one without the other.
I
do have one (admittedly hypocritical) rule when it comes to dating much
older men. To weed out the creeps, I always ask if they generally
date women as young as me. If they make a habit of looking for women
at the local college campus, I move on. I want to be the exception, not
the rule.
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